Friday, May 28, 2010

I Rate Your Cruising Picture (Free Service)


WHY THIS IS NOT A GOOD CRUISING PIC...

Tigger is clearly visible in the upper left quadrant of the photo.

This raises the unsavory spectacle of children being injured by your horrible, terrible, indefatigable search for cock, you semen demon.

In fact, this raises the possibility that you took this cruising photo of yourself in your child's room while other family members were engaged in much more wholesome activities, like eating dinner, constructing Legos, or assuring your parole officer that you are indeed home before curfew.

Why is there no pillowcase on the pillow? While you get points for buying a gussetted pillow (anybody who does not is simply not worth one's time, really) you lose these points as we wonder if it's spunk or possibly your wife's blood that caused this pillow to go "bareback" in the photo.

You have scary eyes. you have scary hair. You have maniacal eyebrows. The redness on your nose suggests either 1) coke use 2) rosacea, with the possible implication of immune dysfunction or 3) all of the above. Your lips are alright I guess.

What do those deep circles under your eyes mean? You wear glasses? Or is that just moral dissipation and turpitude showing (as in a Gorey drawing)?

Your head is too rectangular. A lover likes a head to be somewhat spherical as this makes embracing during kisses much more pleasant. One feels an urge much more strongly to kiss a canteloupe than one does to kiss a toaster. There is science behind this. Good science.

QUICK RECAPITULATION:

The bed and the room are slovenly.

TIGGER totally makes you look like Scumdad.

You don't (properly speaking) have a haircut at all.

Practice in the mirror trying to make your face not have a serial killer stare.

OVERALL EVALUATION: YOUR PHOTO IS CREEPY. THIS IS NOT A GOOD CRUISING PIC. PLEASE SEE THE ATTACHED BROCHURE ON HOW TO TAKE A GOOD CRUISING PHOTO. REMEMBER, PHOTOS OF YOURSELF SURROUNDED BY A GROUP OF YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE--WHICH AT FIRST MIGHT SEEM A GOOD IDEA--THINKING THAT YOUTH CAN RADIATE UPON THOSE IN ITS PRESENCE--CAN ALWAYS BACKFIRE. THE CRUISEE WILL MOST LIKELY FOCUS ON SOMEONE ELSE IN THE PHOTO WHOM THEY DESIRE TO FUCK AND THEN YOU WILL INDEED BE "CHOPPED LIVER."

I trust these suggestions have been useful and I wish you all the best in all future cruising and photographic ventures.

2 comments:

  1. Damnit! He's gay! It was love at first sight when I saw his picture!!! Alas, your label says "gay cruising." I shall remain alone forever . . .

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  2. I don't really know this person.

    I just think the "ick factor" is very high.

    I can see I will need to play chaperone to your online infatuations.

    Allow me to remove the "dreckitude" for you.

    Okay, ready to shoot myself for using that word.

    Do you watch Tyra?

    I mean ANTM.

    I'm ashamed to admit I do.

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