Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Paul Dinello's Manservant, I Am Sorry

Above: Even in the realm of cheesy pop music, Tesla comes out ahead. There is no song called "Edison Girls."


I had a couple of comments to approve and they went hither and thither, and though I approved yours I couldn't find where it "fell."

I hate that about Blogger. There should be a "Let's go there now" (Jerri voice) magic chime button.

I know you're an aficionado of dust bunnies like me so I thought I would tell you something I uncovered in my research.

The Dust Bowl America went through so many decades ago was actually a dust bunny experiment gone horribly awry.

Now, the mysterious people who control the production of dust bunnies (CODENAME: SWIFFERITES) have finally gotten control over the process and deploy them in a much more controlled and subtle manner.

Of course, it's all about the mazumah.

The Swiffer was actually designed by the Mossad.

Rumor has it that Adolph Hitler had the dust bunny bomb, but he sat on the option too long and the secret went over the Dark Side of the cleaning industry (the good news is their agents killed a number of SS--and, alas, dust scientists--in the process of stealing the science behind the dust bunny).

The really funny thing is that the atom was tamed long before the dust bunny was.

Dust bunnies are completely underutilized as a weapon now, of course.

But the potential is there.

You know what it says in the Vedas, "I AM BECOME DEATH."

That's actually a reference to a dust bunny.

People always worry about the wrong apocalypses.

The real one is blowing around under their beds, just biding its time.

Dust Bunny Apocalypse.

Which may or may not occur in our lifetime.

If only they had had satellites in the thirties, they could have seen what the Dust Bowl looked like from outer space.

It wasn't many storms at all.

It was one giant dust bunny just rolling around from state to state.

But it's like Voltaire says in that one book: if humans could fly up into space they would see a planet that "seems to belong to whales."

In the thirties, any visiting aliens might have turned back if they had seen that monster rolling around the U.S.

Tesla designed a power system that ran on dust bunnies that could power an entire metropolis for eight hours on a single bunny.

But Edison's goons had this Dust Bunny Engine destroyed by order of the President's secret Dust Bunny Cabal, who worked closely with Edison on all his projects.

Edison hated it when Tesla got ahead of him in anything.

Once Edison had his goons burn down Tesla's house because Tesla's tomato garden began outproducing Thomas's and Tesla was bragging about it.

Tesla also invented a tomato that was a calculator.

Something to do with the way the seeds would line up when the tomato was pressed in a certain way.

Some other things you might not realize were invented by Tesla (and for which he is often denied credit) are...manscaping, the Bratz dolls, blue ketchup, the Shake Weight, the crazy straw, frappucinos, tiger-striped underwear and the chihuahua. Few realize that chihuahuas in the wild who have not been genetically-modified are actually 200 pounds of canine death just waiting to meet you. They can snap mastiff's necks with one bite.

Tesla even programmed in that "chihuhua shiver" they do to make you think they are so adorably vulnerable and give you the "cuteness rabies."

How else could something that looks like a de-winged bat be seen as adorable by millions of Americans?

That's Tesla's genius at work for you.

Edison also suffered horrible pangs of jealousy towards Tesla all of his life, because (actual quote) "His name is so much cooler."

He once asked his wife, "Be honest. Which sounds cooler, Edison coils...or Tesla coils?"

She told the truth.

And things were never again the same in their marriage.


  1. Paul Dinello's ManservantMay 27, 2010 at 4:52 AM

    Hilarious! Especially the Tesla/Edison bits. I always find it funny when luminaries are shown overwhelmed by petty jealousies and such. All-too-human and yet at the same time all-too-super-human. You took it to exactly the right and funniest place of all -- Tesla has a cooler name. That's priceless! Another favorite line: "The really funny thing is that the atom was tamed long before the dust bunny was." :-)

    Oh, I don't remember if you're lactose intolerant, but to follow up on a previous discussion of Amy Sedaris' cheese balls, I just discovered last night that if you microwave the cheese ball it becomes an amazing nacho dip.

    I also discovered last night that Amy Sedaris hid the recipe to her cheese balls in one episode of "Strangers With Candy." In season three's "Is My Daddy Crazy," there are direct references to smoked gouda, cream cheese, and a stick of butter (who could forget meat man Stu rubbing the butter all over his face?) I was like, "Ohmigod! This like the Da Vinci Code, only so much wittier!"

  2. I suspect we are only now beginning to crack "The Sedaris Code."

    There are indeed lots of in-jokes.

    The one with her (oh so hot) brother always getting his garment snared on some fabric or by somebody right when he's ready to physically attack Jeri got old, so they stopped that quickly.

    I'm sure you've noticed that Principal Blackman's portrait is's like the Hitchcock thing sometimes, only it's not that hard to find if you's funnily in keeping with the way he's such a dictator in running the school.

    I think the actor who plays him was one of Mapplethorpe's hot nude models back in the day.

    Think he was known for dancing in some capacity too.

    Greg somebody or other, right?

    I'm too lazy to Google it now.

    He could make a mint with voice work alone...his voice is much more memorable than James Earl Jones' really.