Monday, June 21, 2010

Things Humans Say About Cats

1. "Cats are very cavalier with regard to child-rearing. They churn the kids out and throw them away as if they were garbage. Why'd you think they call their kids litter, anyway?"

2. "Yes, you can sleep all coiled up. Hmmmm. What other creature on earth comes to mind as being able to do that? Maybe you really are 'snakes with fur.'"

3. "You're so lazy, your shadow moves more than you do."

4. Dogs are often in the news for rescuing member of their families from house fires, sometimes even dragging them (while unconscious) to safety.Cat will go back into a burning building to rescue that empty grocery bag they love to sit on."

5. "Cat do not come when their name is called. They come when their vocation is called. By the can opener."

6. "If I was stranded on an abandoned desert isle like Robinson Crusoe with only my cat, I know my cat would immediately regard this situation as an excuse for a game of SURVIVOR!"

7. "How can I believe anything you say? You meow to say 'I love you.' But you also meow to say 'The shitter's full.'"

8. "You try to say you don't fart. But I happen to know you are just sneakily quiet. And that's because your asshole is upholstered."

9. "Your poker face doesn't really do all you think it's doing for you. Because your tail gives away what you are thinking as effectively as if you had a blog."

10. "I don't care how many times you petition the Olympics Committee. They're NOT going to add "Distance Sleeping" as an 'officially-sanctioned sport.'"

11. "I don't know why you get so worked up over 'Schrodinger's cat.' It's just a hypothetical scenario. Jeez!"

12. "Even though you think Lewis Carroll was 'specist,' he was really too generous in his portrayal of 'your kind.'"

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