Friday, July 30, 2010

OMFG Horrible Night But a Good Ending

I ate something that made me sick.

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was going to die.

And then while I was chugging aloe vera juice to get back to normalcy and just getting my stomach settled, my Mom and Lee both call me to report they think I am the victim of identity theft.

This is 3 a.m. in the morning.

So that's all I need to freak me out. Because I already think I have food poisoning.

My mom got a letter in my name from American Express that referred to what she thought was a credit card in my name with fraudulent charges.

So I called the 1-800 number for American Express and they said this card didn't exist. Then my mom calls me back and says it's a "prepaid card" and I figure "oh good." They can't do much damage with that.

So I called and talked to the prepaid card department and they had no record of any card in my name either.

Long story short, it was some card given me by DHL in 2003 or something for meritorious service. And there was $1.50 or something on it and some computer brain sent a piece of mail to remind me of this.

They said "this is what you have if your card hasn't expired." Well, the card had expired. Like six years ago. So why the fuck didn't they know that since they issued the card and why the fuck did they send me this piece of mail. At an address where I haven't lived in actually nine years or so (my workplace probably never updated my address when I moved).

And the aloe vera worked. Now I don't trust the DOLLAR STORE for frozen foods. I bet that ended up there because they knew something was wrong with that fucking meal.

Anyway, Lee was nice enough to swing by my Mom's house to pick up the piece of mail so I could make sure it was okay and guess who was in her front yard?


Yes, I realize that's redundant.

White. Albino.

But think the "Great White Hunter" or something.

Lee didn't have our camera but he borrowed my brother's camera and my brother let Lee bring the SD card home. So....WE GOT SQUIRREL!!

Later today I'll upload this to YouTube, but I wanted to share it with you first.

Isn't he or she adorable? Like a freakin ferret. Note the vampirish red eyes. They're actually clear. You're seeing the blood behind them.

Should I try to rub sunscreen on it? Someone should tell it not to be out in these dusky hours because the owls are still about and supposedly an albino squirrel won't fare well in the natural selection process.

Lee also got some still photos so I'll post those above this.


  1. yall don't tend to paint asmuch crap on your roads as us

  2. That's a theory.

    But it doesn't happen where the lines are.

    I think it's just because of our location.

    We are between everything.

    Hugely trafficked.

    Who knows. Maybe it's the "formula."

    I just know we are one of the most highly taxed states. The PA DOT has all sorts of ways to gouge you each year.

    And then when there's a blizzard they dont' even go out and clear the roads.

    "We're out of salt."

    What the fuck did you do with it in the past year of no snow?

    Did Christo make giant French fries or something and call you up?