Saturday, October 16, 2010

Meet Your Food

NAME: Baked Potato.

SHAPE: Bulbous. Globous. Wen-like. Testicular.

RESEMBLES: Gnome.

FRIENDS: Gnomes. Potato Bugs (duh!). Earthworm. Corpses. Dead goldfish. Dead hamsters. Cooked dead cow pieces cut into artful shapes.

TURN ONS: Butter. Soil. Rootlets. Weird tiny hairs like nosehairs. Mushrooms. Troll features. A-1 Sauce. Rolling around. Sour Cream. Sack dresses. Oven. Spatulas. Microwave. Potassium. Hot rocks.

TURN OFFS: Yogurt. Yoghurt. Yohgurt. Go-gurt. Go-ghurt.

MILD MASOCHISTIC FANTASIES: Knife. Fork. Being eaten alive.

PAST RELATIONSHIP: Ex-wife: Yam. (Married 249 years, divorced 2010).

CURRENT RELATIONSHIP: Dating: Mayonnaise. One child: Potato Salad. (Rumored to have other sprouts).

MOVIES: Too numerous to mention. Frequently works as charactor actor.

AUDITIONED FOR: Veggie Tales. Entered rehab shortly after being rejected for part.

SURPRISING FACT: May contain parts of dead people. Lots of dead people.

RELIGION: Zoroastrianism, with New Age Earth Goddess elements.

BEAUTY TREATMENT: Vegetable scrub brush. Occasional skin peels.

MR. BLACKWELL'S LIST: Cited among "Ten Worst Dressed" for aluminum foil sheath worn to public function with Nicole Kidman in June, 2010.

IN THE NEWS FOR: Treated at Promises in February, 2009 for pepper addiction.

UPCOMING: Co-starring with Ham in a bubbly off-Broadway one act.

CELEBRITY FRIENDS: Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray, Paula Deen, Gordon Ramsay.

QUOTES: "I might be ugly but I taste much better than you do."

BOOKS: Autobiography: Essential Nutrients: Everything I Ever Needed I Absorbed from Dead Creatures.

CELEBRITY MOST OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR: Rush Limbaugh.

PARENTS: Mother: Cecilia Pomme de Terre: (Mashed, 2003). Father: Arthur Humus-Lively (Alive, Resides in Burbank).

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