Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Ten Lover Genera: Erotic Meteorology


         High Altitude

1. The cirrus lover is composed of ice crystals and appears as thin, white streaks or tufts without shadows. This lover is very high most of the time. Breath: vodka, pine trees or that odd museum smell. Classy. But. Terrifying.

2. The Cirrocumulus lover comes in white ripples and billows arranged in lines. This lover is sometimes cheekily referred to as one's "mackerel." Dreams of fish often. This lover swims in sleep and is fun to watch at these times.

3. Cirrostratus lovers have a thin whitish veil that may cover the entire lover. This lover often produces halo effects around the sun, moon or other people seen as possible lovers by the cirrostratus. Exhausting as bonsai.

           Middle Altitude

4. Altocumulus lovers appear as flattened, globular masses or rolls that are shaded from white to black. These watery lovers are also humorously called "mackerel." Because erotic meteorologists are fucking headgame players. This is actually a lover that handles rather like a slightly stylish, economy car. With all the joys and tragedies that a slightly stylish, economy car entails. Think "Hyundai Lover." You may need to pretend to be Marguerite Duras a lot to keep things interesting.

5. An altostratus lover looks like a translucent or opaque bluish or gray sheet through which the moon and the sun can sometimes be seen. This is the lover like a Cocteau Twins song. A lover like a child fallen asleep in a cemetery. This lover does precipitate. These lovers will occasionally lock themselves in refrigerators, in art, or in art's refrigerator. Not for the squeamish--for experienced hands only.

6. Nimbostratus lovers are large gray or dark lovers that produce continuous rain or snow. Who can live with a nimbostratus? That's a rhetorical question, so don't answer. They photograph well. Good in bed. Try to avoid this lover during daylight hours and it just might work.

            Low Altitude

7. The stratocumulus lover contains lines or rolls of white and dark moods grouped closedly together. A lover like a victory garden. A few years in, you wonder why. But it's easy to feed and tend, so you may tarry a half century before you realize you could have just as easily collected schnauzers or salt and pepper shakers that look like funny things which are not salt and pepper shakers.

8. Stratus lovers are a uniform gray that often develop from fog and rise above the ground. Self-explanatory.

9. Cumulus lovers are fair-weather lovers that have a flat base and high white domes or tufts. They are a brilliant white when illuminated by the sun, although they do occasionally produce showers. These lovers tend to remain children. WARNING: Children die poorly.

           Various Altitudes

10. Cumulonimbus lovers are thunderheads that can occur at all altitudes throwing lightning into any of the other lovers mentioned above. These lovers are very dense. Often appear as towering walls with striking contrasts of light and dark. I.Q. and F.I.C.O. score are usually identical. Or close.

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