My Oscar Predictions

1. A movie I have not seen will win in the Best Picture category. (Hint: I only saw Inception.)

2. Anne Hathaway will be exceedingly beautiful and sparkle. James Franco will be exceedingly beautiful and sparkle. We will laugh at jokes that wouldn't have been nearly as funny had they been delivered by ugly, unsparkling people.

3. Joan Rivers will get the dose of attention she needs to stay alive for an entire year, like a 1300 year old vampire who only feeds once a year. Melissa will then suck this celebrity attention from Joan's body. Then they will both sleep for another year in designer coffins. And the world will rest.

4. Vern Troyer will show up ininvited and attack several people, who will need to get distemper shots for nasty leg bites. Hopefully, one of those people will be Brad Pitt.

5. Someone will say something very moving about a recent tragedy somewhere in the world that they only know about because they Googled it fifteen minutes before they walked out the door of a palatial estate populated mostly by terrified servants who are kept illiterate and monolingual under threat of death.

6. Natalie Portman will be amazingly beautiful and gracious in her acceptance speech.

7. Christopher Nolan will seethe all night.

8. A very puffy Jack Nicholson will be compared to Nemo by a celebrity's loose-lipped child, and a golf club will be produced to disastrous results.

9. Bjork will wear a live Haitian child impersonating a dead Haitian child as a dress. Fashion critics will, strangely enough, applaud this.

10. The Academy, in a surprise move, will ban all future films from the United Kingdom from nomination, and announce that any film even featuring a "British, Scottish or Irish accent" will henceforth be disallowed in all Oscar categories. This will be referred to as the "Oscar Tea Party."

11. LOLcats: The Movie will picket the Oscars. Cats will be parachuted all night long onto the red carpet from a helicopter, this move funded by Cheezburger.com. These guerilla tactics will pay off, and next year Lolcats: the Sequel will win Best Picture.

12. Colin Firth will have all the charm of a well-behaved hemorrhoid, just as he does in all his movies.

13. Billy Crystal will try to storm the stage but will be headbutted by Whoopie Goldberg, who had the same idea at the exact same moment. They will both become conscious at the same time in the Cedars Sinai emergency room and fall madly in love. They will make sex videotapes and release them. This will start World War III.

14. Perez Hilton will be given several vaccinations before being allowed into the ceremony, including of course the ones for rabies and distemper.

15. Randy Newman will seethe and wonder why he wasn't allowed to sing one of his songs he so loves to sing with that lazy tongue that makes it sound as though he has shit in his mouth. Sorry. Shit and corn.

16. Bob Dylan will be mistaken for Vincent Price. People will remark on Vincent's marked loss of height, but remember to tell him how much they loved Thriller.

17. Someone will wish Aretha Franklin good health. The Queen of Soul will say "Who dat white mutherfucka?" in Detroit.

18. Dame Helen Mirren will cause a drunken stir and will grab Liam Neeson's crotch as she is being escorted out, just "to see if it's true."

19. Meryl Streep will bring Chinese take-out (moo goo gai-pan) and work on crosswords while eating this. She will have fuzzy pink bunny slippers on. Later, she'll have her masseur give her the treatment and still later she'll put on a Snuggie and yawn and stretch whenever the camera is on her. A woman should be allowed to act however she likes in her own home.

20. Jack Nicholson will get on his cell phone and order a succession of lap dancers, who will arrive and grind on him throughout the ceremony. Nobody will say anything. Oh, he will also order pizza, and insist the pizza guy stay and watch the Oscars. An A-list celebrity will fearfully give up his or her seat for the pizza guy when Jack does his Shining face.