Thursday, June 16, 2011


I think I'm in a bad period.

I'm having trouble with basic things like memory.

I have been in a fugue state several times recently.

I use the computer to try to reconstruct these missing periods.

Thought about committing myself but can't face that place again.


I'm going to sleep.

God bless medications and over the counter benadryl.

I see that Malkin has water and gets fed but can barely manage anything else.

How can one be on a downward spiral when one doesn't even do anything.

Agoraphobia worse. Disappointed people again yesterday when I couldn't bring myself to leave the house.

I did one "adventurous" thing past the door of my house.

I got the pepper and tomato fingerlings into the earth.

I was heartsick when the heat wave "killed" them last week.

But water therapy revived all but two of them.

And I realized "it's now or never." So I did get them planted.

But I had such panic just being in my own backyard.

I got so frustrated every time I heard a neighbor speaking somewhere.

Mental illness is no fun.

Trust me.

Without Ativan I would be in the e.r. every day or dead by now.


  1. So sorry to hear about this downward spiral. I have had to deal with it as well. For months in Poland and Korea my greatest accomplishment was to get to the shop and get a loaf of bread. Still have it sometimes in London as well. Often had to get drunk to get out the door and face people. Still working through it. Never fully goes away even after the medicine. Heart goes out to you! Be kind to your self!!!



  2. Thanks Marcus. I hate to be a walking writer cliche with the depression. Yeah people scoff about alcoholics "self-medicating" but when you're chemically imbalanced and that drug knocks down fear...well there's a reason it becomes abused. I'm just fortunate that I'm on disability now, since if I had to deal with normal socialization they would be reviving that giant Vaudeville hook to get me out of all social arenas. Because I'd be meowing like a shot cat.

    Best Wishes for your continued high level of quality creativity.