Monday, January 31, 2011

i was checking out your clouds

       *


i mean you might think clouds
are insubstantial things
but you must realize they are colanders
they are well-seasoned sieves
clouds are censoring themselves
even as they decide which forms of precipitation
to release and in what quantity

in other words

clouds have editing functions
and your poem should be at least
(and here i do feel slight trepidation
using the phrase "your poem"
since it really shouldn't be "your poem"
if it's worthy to be a cloud)
but picking up where i left off
your poem should be at least
as well-written as a cloud
i think someone already said that
in a differnt form probably Ovid
but we won't worry about that here

he was an exile

because he was a malcontent

and that's fine


your poem might be an exile

because it's a malcontent too


there are many different forms of clouds

many forms of bitchy meteorology


I happen to be a great fan

of bitchy meteorology


when it's well-done


the goddess stands

and addresses the cloud


then gives the forecast


and the cloud defies her

does its own thing


and the goddess rages


but the cloud is nature and prevails


and eventually the goddess


is recognized to be an old tea-bag


and put away
              
       


       *


this is a poem
this is no place for a swan
and this is no place for a laundromat
no place for a minotaur
nor would a Google ad ironically used suffice
no magpie scoop of text
this is not a place requiring dignity
it should be well past dignity
that's not what i'm saying
you can be a minotaur
hell you can even be a swan
just don't put it in the poem

is all i'm saying

nobody wants to see that shit

you don't want to see people

you actually know

when you watch amateur porn, right?
              
       

       *

nature xeroxes emotions
eventually you get copies of copies
and you strain to read "the original"

but of course it's gone

the grain of the bad copy

is home

so you walk around speculating

you are a speculator

you are a funny person

this isn't a bad thing

to be a funny speculator

to carry around a copy of a copy
of a copy of a copy and so on
of the Big Emotion




you could replace the emotion
with an emoticon

the way a great conductor

is usually a very simple person




he opens the score and begins streamlining

tragedy's busloads of instruments

the bassi profundi of tragedy
and the pipsqueaks of tragedy

are one to the great conductor



who probably works barefoot

barefoot and ancient

in a small apartment



then eats half a beatific sandwich

and he thinks

I must stiletto a point



to quell Shostakovich's nerves...



which are not my nerves




I am like a husband to a man


who at last grows out



of the awkwardness of wills



which is two men married


in no less a bullring than art



The comical/tender toreador act
of the conductor's mind


must at last come true




so that all orientations believe


the music of the well-bedded husband


one man shepherds another


the composer


the work of the fairy




this is all the same thing

["i honestly believe..."]

                     

       *


i honestly believe
that a magpie

is the most prosaic
beast on earth

when i see
a magpie in print

i cross
and cross myself

like a catholic
seeing the devil

or the devil's receptionist

fish poem

              
       

       *



and then i turn
in my small pool again

i turn

like a rainbow trout

i turn and glisten
embarrasingly






i write poetry

this is because
i love you

complaining

that i am mad
and i am voluble




rather complain

that i am a rainbow trout

that i glisten

embarrasingly, matter
stippled with colors

of errant emotion



in my pool of madness

pool of volubility




a rainbow trout is slick
like the inside of a woman

who is amused

a woman

momentarily amused

by a hand or a tongue




men believe that women
are foundlings

and women believe
men are foundlings

and each secretly believes

to itself

it is a changeling

the best sort of foundling

is of course a changeling



i may be mad

but nevertheless

i find myself the warden
of many changelings




they visit my garden

declare me mad

it amuses me much
amidst my distracting

troutlike turnings



my glistening

embarrassment



in poetry's small pool



that small


funny Heshbon





i turn and turn


on myself
                     *

dreams are proof
you are defective

they are proof you defect

what's the universe

even kids know

something coming
that took forever

this is physics

if you substract
the waiting from poetry

sometimes it turns into physics

which is funny

do this to a shakespeare play

until it turns into a basketball game

there is a sense of comedy

and there is a sense of justice

and sometimes they marry


Thank God
                     

       *


the title of this poem is asterisk
isn't that cool
(not really)
isn't the sound of a computer grinding funny
aren't all poetry questions
really just devious ferrets
playing with a ball
in the community playpen at the mall
i won't put question marks
at the end of questions anymore
no it's not "stylistic"
i'll be like an old person who's afraid to do that
afraid to be stylistic or ask questions
this is to be old


i'll pretend questions are sentences
there's even a way to say
"is lunch coming" so it's just a sentence
making an orderly
with a disordered mind less mad
because you have kowtowed
from your hospital bed


then you may remember in bed
the long years of
is love coming
this will make you smile

what if you love the world
but you don't want the world
to be any closer

but will is deceptive

you haven't the will you think

you have another

will on tap


       *



when someone dislikes you
they will sum you up
and that's the easiest way to know
whether or not someone really likes you
no matter what lies they say
there now i told you
now you know
so reprocess all the loans
of love in your head
and see what's real

here use this calculator


       *



why not light a candle
and curse the darkness
i alway said
amid the open field

which is probably for birds

humans look silly in an open field
even if they try to pose as nature
nature isn't having it


       *



whether you think it's a poem
or not
someone will probably eventually
put all that negative space to good use
probably a bad idea
probably commercial
but you'll be elsewhere
doing elsewhere's work by then
so don't worry overmuch

about the blight

the parts of your psyche

you spent so much energy

disowning

in that bad production of Hamlet


       *



you can remind yourself you're human

if you go do something ridiculous
and superfluous

like light a candle
or curry favor

write a poem
remix a song

Flickr
or LOL caption existence

Be a unicorn greeter
in a poetry magazine

I mean editor

It's the biggest non-profit
in the history of the world

that thing the birds are doing

in the awkward sky

right this minute

right outside my (your) window

WTF Department


One of the photos to caption on the Cheezburger site is this very strange one.

I Googled the guy's name at the bottom and could learn only that he was an Edwardian actor. And I think the photo dates to 1906.

I saw someone else had blogged it and wrote only, "I wish I could find a reasonable explanation for this photo."

We can assume it has something to do with a theatrical production titled "The Little Stranger." Right?

It looks totally off the charts in terms of contemporary mores and values, but who knows. Maybe their outre sense of humor in that time period blinkered them to the fact that this was a questionable way (at best) to photograph a kid.

But then I guess kids weren't exactly handled with kid gloves in the Edwardian era.

They were down in coal mines all over the place too.

Creepy.

Creepy creepy.

But one wonders if there is a lost dramatic work that is so fucked up that it might be interesting to read?

I'm wondering if maybe it was just another "garden variety" Freaky Friday body/soul switching plot?

God knows we've suffered through decades of that hackneyed "plot."

Maybe it goes back further than I realized.

LOLorrhea (i haz it)

BEING IN A CULT: IT'S GREEEEEAT!!!

"So all I had to do to get you to listen to me was die horribly & rise up from the dead. Niiiiice."

The scariest mob family in that time period was ruled               by a teddy bear who had mastered mind control.

If thou pissest me off mine ferret shall bloodie thy nuggets....

I lovez  da WHOLE WORLD when IZ ASLEEP...

Prime Muffin

Holding a guitar  gets you prime muffin

Harry Potter Emos

The director knew he was in trouble when the Harry Potter Kids         stopped memorizing lines and started DOING lines.

Revolution, Tersely

Revolution: when creepy men dress up in curtains, brave men must die to restore sensible sportswear.

Typical Larry King Non-Sequitur, Nonsensical Interview Question: "Leonardo...Dicaprio?....or Da Vinci?"

LEONARDO DICAPRIO     IN "TITANIC" IMPERSONATIONS

The Egyptian Thing

I tried to ignore the Egypt thing, since I figure I'm not going to go on Al-Jazeera and offer my "learned opinion" on statecraft anytime soon. I have to give G4 credit for offering some intelligent commentary on it today.

I really should never refer to G4 personalities as "snerds" as I did yesterday or whenever. They're really smart people and not just on technology. Today Chris Hardwick gave another killer review, this time of that one tablet powered by Android 2.0. I didn't really catch the name of the device. It sounded like "Streak?"

They said that the Egyptian government had cut off 88 percent of the internet access to try to quell the revolution, since it was being fostered by social networking media. Hackers jumped to the defense to jam the system and free up what they could of the net (I'm guessing many of these were outside the country as well) and the demonstrators cleverly switched to using fax lines, which the government had not touched. They said Egypt is cutting its own head off, because domestic and international business and commerce were being affected horribly. The country is basically giving its infrastructure bad brain damage. It's like Egypt is standing there hitting itself in the head with a hammer saying "This will get the idea out of my brain." "No army can stop an idea whose time has come." Who said that? Someone French? I forget. Hugo? I was going to watch the coverage on CNN but then I figured again "Why bother."

I'll just go check it on YouTube, which will probably have better clips anyway. And possibly better commentary.

It's funny how revolutions have this domino effect, because this revolution seeking to topple Mubarak (who is seen as a tyrant) was apparently a spillover from one which toppled another longtime despot. I believe that successful uprising was in Morocco.

That's exactly how it played out in the latter 18th century too. History does repeat. Totally repeats.

The scariest thing was that G4 noted that American legislators actually LIKED the idea of the Internet kill switch being in their hands and pondered creating one for America. This is NOT the first time I heard the American government considering such a tactic. I try to get my head around the idea that national security could possibly be advanced by having such a capability, but I can't bring myself to believe it. (Anything that kills LOLcats can't be a force for good! ;-) ) Maybe I'm not using my imagination the way one needs to see this as a potential weapon in the arsenal of the good guys. But I don't think so. It just sounds sinister and scary and the sort of thing that the right does all the time to then drive the extreme right even more extremely right. And that's why you get epiphenomena of the extreme right like militias and domestic terrorism. The left doesn't create those monsters (though the monsters of course hate the left). It's really the right that creates those monsters. Goya's "El sueno de la razon produce monstruos" is completely applicable.

Here's the FREE EGYPT channel on YouTube: People everywhere just want to be free (Muslims that hate the rest of us).

CBS did a good job of telling us why life in Egypt sucks for millions: And here's a bunch of SOLID reasons to HATE Hosni Mubarak. He's an old skool, cookie-cutter tyrant.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Naughty Omegle..am I evil?

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Official messages from Omegle will not be sent with the label 'Stranger:'. Strangers claiming to represent Omegle are lying.
Stranger: hey
Stranger: male here
You: i just realized i'm musky right now
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: then?
You: i can work with hmmmmm
You: C'mere
Stranger: sorry, i don't get,what's mean
You: you no speakee english?
Stranger: not my mother language
You: what is?
Stranger: chinese
You: ahh...how old?
Stranger: 26, u
You: I like Chinese men
Stranger: tks
You: I am older 45
You: Have you done Chinese porn?
Stranger: no
Stranger: why u like chinese man
You: I have done Chinese porn. If Taiwan counts.
You: Because you are so inscrutably sexy.
Stranger: (:
You: I'm surprised China allows Omegle???
Stranger: why not
You: Don't they block Western things?
You: Oh wait..you aren't IN China right?
Stranger: u may disunderstand
You: I disunderstand
Stranger: china also like to accept most the western things
You: Wow..that is hot..do you like Britney?
Stranger: yeah, she is hot
You: She is universal.
You: What would you do with Britney?
Stranger: can i with her
Stranger: hah
You: I am Britney Spears. Surprise.
Stranger: big surprise
You: I"m so bored with my career. So I Omegle.
Stranger: everyone have pressure, u should relex, right here
You: thanks..will you do acupuncture on me?
Stranger: sorry
You: What's your name, sexbot?
You: I hope it's not Wang.
Stranger: who is wang
You: Wang mean penis
You: "man part"
Stranger: u can call me hoo
Stranger: Hoo
You: Hoo is hot
You: I like to drink Yoo Hoo
Stranger: lol
You: it's chocolatey
Stranger: nice
You: What is your favorite band or musical act? Do you know Faye Wong (Taiwanese)?
Stranger: i just drink tea or coffee
Stranger: Linkin Park
You: wow
You: are you a thug?
Stranger: Faye? She is a chines
You: hot yeah
You: She sings Cocteau Twins songs
Stranger: no, just like to listen, i need passion
You: I need passion too
You: Are you musky?
Stranger: no, a common guy who work in a company
You: What does your company do?
Stranger: sell some useful things
You: like wha?
Stranger: daily use
You: wht?
You: what?
Stranger: tableware
You: I like tableware. Tableware is hot
You: What is your favorite taboo?
Stranger: good
Stranger: i guess no one
You: Do you know what taboo mean? It is a weird word
You: Taboo means "forbidden act"
You: Like sniffing your sister's underwear
Stranger: in fact, no taboo
You: You are pure
Stranger: tks, i don't like to do such things
You: Do you think all Chinese are pure
Stranger: do u have any taboo
You: I have dozens of taboos
You: I am a Taboo Queen
Stranger: i don't think so, not even the chinese
You: Such a pity!
Stranger: example
You: I love to sniff man musk
You: your scent
You: do you like Gwen Stefani? She is my neighbor
Stranger: pleasure if i can
Stranger: sorry, i don't know her
You: Hoo, how do you say "horny" in Chinese..what is the sound?
Stranger: se
You: say?
You: or seh?
Stranger: i think seh will better
You: I am seh
You: Give Britney what she wants
Stranger: me too
Stranger: haha
You: mmmmm if i had a Transporter
You: i would zap you here
Stranger: wonderful
You: You are much smarter than I am. Because you speak Chinese and English. And I could never learn Chinese
You: How tall are you? I am told most Chinese men are at least six foot three....
Stranger: heh
Stranger: i also not taller
You: How tall sexbot?
Stranger: 1.75m
You: I don't know metres.
You: Can I smother you with my breasteses?
Stranger: oh, that's nice
You: I thought so
You: I am listening to "Love Shack" by the B-52s...do you know this song Hoo?
Stranger: i like them
You: Hot
You: We are "on the way"
Stranger: sorry
Stranger: yeah
You: That means things are going well
You: "on the way"
Stranger: right, on the way
You: I will teach you English while making love to you
Stranger: that's sound good
You: right..the best kind of tutor
Stranger: i like u
You: I like u too
Stranger: heh
You: ((((Hoo))))))
You: That is like "hugs"
Stranger: ((((Hoo))))))
You: Don't you think most Americans are evil though? Be HONEST
Stranger: it's very nice in such cold day
You: cold here too
Stranger: no, i don't think so
You: Did we conquer the world by accident?
Stranger: it's a culture, different like china
You: China has more respect in it
You: Americans have very litltle respect for anything
You: Only pleasure and money
You: and movies
You: and sex
You: we like that
Stranger: it's a life, right
You: we are strange...colonized...then colonialists
You: do you know LOLcats?
Stranger: i don't like that
You: don't like what? colonialism
Stranger: LOL cats?
Stranger: yeah
You: yeah cats
You: i think we are mostly done with colonialism..it was too expensive!
Stranger: we need freedom for everybody, no one should contol others
You: you are smart
You: right
You: do you only have sex missionary style
You: or would you do me "doggie style?"
Stranger: in fact, few experise for me
You: you are virginal?
Stranger: doggie style is good
You: mmm
Stranger: no
You: i like
Stranger: yeah,me too
You: i think you would make me scream (in a good way)
Stranger: wondeful posture
You: yes..wonderful posture
You: position
You: we say
You: in the vernacular
Stranger: heh
Stranger: right
You: what is your opinion on blowjobs?
Stranger: this position good look
You: look?
You: or work?
You: or luck?
Stranger: blow jobs?
You: yeah?
Stranger: can u tell what is it
You: the mouth sucks off the penis until it explodes cum
Stranger: on my god
You: lol
Stranger: that's perfect
Stranger: lol
You: we are agreed then
You: blowjobs are good?
Stranger: sure
You: you are perfect
Stranger: u 2
You: is your penis very white? because i like a penis to be VERY white
Stranger: i like u, honey
Stranger: lol
You: i like you too Hoo
Stranger: not vey, but looks nice
You: what movie made you horny?
You: American movie?
Stranger: Janpan AV
You: What American actress would you like to make love to?
Stranger: ehh, let me see
Stranger: i forget her name now
You: what movie was shie in?
You: she?
You: demi moore? angelina jolie?
Stranger: no
Stranger: not them
You: amy sedaris?
You: zoey deschanelles
You: phoebe cates?
Stranger: also not
You: betty white
Stranger: but Britney will the one
Stranger: lol
You: that's Me!
Stranger: yeah, is u
You: you will be my first Asian boyfriend
You: will you beat up Kevin Federline (my ex) for me?
Stranger: my pleasure, queen
You: thx xo
Stranger: yes
You: i love you
Stranger: me too
You: what weapons do you hve?
You: have
Stranger: a big crabstick
You: lol
You: i like
Stranger: hah
You: will we live in China or America or both or neither
Stranger: it's a dream
Stranger: lol
You: I build all my castles in the clouds
Stranger: it sound good idea
You: if I gave you my credit card number you would realize I am serious
Stranger: hmm,..i belive u
You: is Mao liked in China now...or is he "out" now?
Stranger: He is a great man
You: But I am great Britney
You: I wrote my own Little Red Book
Stranger: yeah, u great Britney
You: It has a lot of "uh ohs" in it...I admit
Stranger: can i see?
You: Do you think Mao would do me?
You: He liked the ladies
Stranger: i don't think so,hah
You: I am hurt
You: Injured, wounded. crying
You: tiny, lost
Stranger: Every guys like beauty
You: even Mao
Stranger: on, it's my fault
You: What is your favorite "Mao quote" and what is yoru favorite "Britney quote?"
You: i forgive you
Stranger: i like Britney
You: I have to got to bed Hoo. It is very LATE in America. Do you want my email?
Stranger: okay
Stranger: pls
You: _____________________ Write me anytime. xox
Stranger: okay, i will
You: Goodnght, sexy man.
Stranger: my queen
You: xo
Stranger: good nighr
You have disconnected.

Star Slinger Can Remix

with the best of them!

Here it's the title track from Cocteau Twins' Heaven or Las Vegas.

Enjoy.



Of course, no remix touches an original CT song. Here's the one he was playing with...

did i mention i'm totally addicted to the cheezburger site??

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA

I LOVE BABIES....  CONTAINED BABIES.

DO YOU GET IT? LOL.... WE'RE ALL  THE SAME SNERD!!!

AIN'T NUTHIN                          KILLIN MY BUZZ, HATERS...

BACONATOR TRIPLE  I REBUKE THEE!!!

Wait. Are you following me for LIBERTY?      or  some OTHER reason!?

always dress up  to watch television

CHICKS DIG BUOYANCY

Hallucinatory pets  ROCK!!!

SIT UBU SIT!  GOOD DOG!!

Let me get this straight... You were normal before VONAGE?

CANDOR IS BEAUTIFUL

Seest thou something in my upholstery thou wantest?

Balls or stupidity?  It's often a tough call.

Why Lumberjacks Kill

WHY LUMBERJACKS KILL

Parents Magazine

Afraid I'm going to have to say "No."  Ask again when you're weaned.

Drama Kitteh Sez...

HISTRIONICS GETZ YOU THINGZ

Whine and Ye Shall Receive


God, I love this guy!

Craig Conley's the only (living) magus I know. And one of the few guys I'd bestow the mantle of logodaedalus on as well....

And he hearkened to my philosophical pining yesterday (see my post "Why Does it Bother Me" if you care to know what I'm ranting and raving about) for a lime camouflaged in limelight.

Craig, the spooky thing is you got the exact shade of light I wanted. I mean I'm not pulling your leg or anything else here...that's the right saturation, eeriness, otherworldiness I wanted.

Sort of a Lucas Samaras energy saturation of color.

I love this!

As they thay in Barthelona: Grathias!!

I hope you use it as an author's photo somewhere because it's too good to be wasted on a blog.

I can see I'm going to have to make my quixotic wishes more quixotic.

I'd go whine about a unicorn right now, but I'm afraid you might produce one lol...

xo

Dinner for Unterschlagen...

...or Dinner for Schmucks was fucking wonderful.

Steve C. Paul Rudd. What's not to love?

The actress who played Darla!

We ordered white pizza with spinach and tomatoes and enjoyed this.

Heaven.

How many people worked to create those mice tableaux?

I'm guessing twenty or more.

Please put them on permanent public display somewhere!!

lol

i haz a cute

I HAZ A CUTE  AND I WANT TO KILL IT

Godsib

GOSSIP KITTEH... RUINS THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Pizza

Can we get anchovy & mice head toppings? He insists you have it.

"So what brings you out to the Moors this time of night?"

The Cat   of the Baskervilles

WOW

WOW!  OVERSHARE!!!

Kitteh

I can't HEAR YOU Dawg...  AH LA LA LA LA!!!

Find

FIND WALDO!

FIOS Sucks

G4 might be a channel for snerds, but they know their technology so I listen when they have a strong opinion.

And they feel that we are in the Stone Age of broadband, and I think they are right.

When Lee switched us over to FIOS, I had a little trepidation.

Now that we are on it, I have a lot of trepidation.

I lose shit on the computer when it wigs out. The phones have been erratic for months.

And now last night one phone went dead. Well, not dead...useless. We lost the dial tone altogether.

I found a pattern online where people were losing the dial tone with this phone (a Uniden cordless which is actually very attractive and comfortable, design-wise). I did a few recommended tests and came regretfully to the conclusion that I had a bad jack in one room.

We unplugged the phone from this jack and it freed up the dial tone for all the other phones in the house on all floors.

Then later all the phones went dead.

It wasn't the phone. It wasn't the jack.

We were on the phone with FIOS this morning at like 6 a.m. being their long-distance hands resetting the fucking unit (twice!) and then unplugging everything and plugging everything back in.

Long story short, we have zero phone service (apart from our cellulars) and we have to wait til fucking Tuesday to see a repairman.

Lee said the last guy who came was totally incompetent and knew less than Lee about FIOS and how it works.

While Lee was talking to the guy on the phone I had Lee make sure to elicit a promise that the fucking bill is going to be prorated so we're not paying for this joke for these days.

They need to get their shit together.

Lee and I agreed we have to take the call waiting off this phone, because twice that's how the problem starts.

When you're on the phone and click over, something goes wrong with the system. It goes into a limbo state sometimes.

I have no idea why this happens, but I noticed the same pattern with many of the more detailed accounts about that Uniden phone malfunctioning and "losing its dial tone."

Weird.

Annoying.

I'd blame it on the fucking ghost but once he showed himself to me months ago ALL paranormal activities stopped dead.

I guess he tipped his hand or realized he went too far and now he's shy or something.

I mean nothing.

Zilch.

After the time I nearly walked into the fucker on his mad dash into the living room as I was coming down the stairs.

Was that my "spook goodbye?" Like a goodbye kiss?

The quality of mercy is not strained....

It's sprained. It's ruptured, it's herniated and walking around like that. It refuses to go to the hospital when, frankly, it should.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

You Are a Bad Person!!!


This is whom I ended up having the longest Omegle conversation with.

This is Adam from Kentucky. A college guy.

He has a durty mind like me.

We got along.

I tried to have "normal" and "highbrow" conversations but we made each other laugh and so it went on for over an hour.

I promise never to talk to Adam again.

But he had a very funny "faux porn" scenario that he told me.

That got more and more surreal as it went on.

He has a very thick accent too.

Do You Omegle?

I had learned about Omegle through the Cheezburger (LOL) site a few weeks ago.

I liked the funny convos people posted from there and said I wanted to try it but didn't get around to it until tonight.

I was waiting for the right Omegle mood.

It's a no-frills site that hooks you up with a random conversational partner.

Isn't that a cool idea?

Some of the funniest convos are those that derail instantly.

Here's my third Omegle...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Official messages from Omegle will not be sent with the label 'Stranger:'. Strangers claiming to represent Omegle are lying.

You: Omegle me

Stranger: wtf

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

or send us feedback
Was this conversation great? Download the log


I should have downloaded it so I could have kept the pretty colors of the IM box.

Try it. It's fun.

But keep in mind you could be talking to anyone. It could be like a kid or something. So be nice.

The Fleshpots of Harrisburg: A Review

I didn't like it.

It was nowhere near as depraved nor as visually appealing and immoral/amoral as the Fleshpots of Bangkok.

I've never been.

But I'm going by what the television says.

Something about the idea of flesh in a pot.

That's just not that appetizing.

If the flesh goes into the pot, the flesh is waaaay too loose.

Not to be tightist, but tighter flesh is more of a turn on.

When You Start a New Job

When you start a new job, you show up the first day with infinite goodwill (even if it is infinite pretend goodwill) and a near infinite capacity to follow directions to the letter. Right? If they would ask you to dress in a Hitler Youth uniform and bang a drum while walking down a nearby thoroughfare singing Deutschland Uber Alles, you would do your best to master those German vowels as quickly as possible. You would do it. Right? Because you would be sure there was a good reason behind it. It couldn't possibly be what it seemed. After all, they had the good sense to hire you, so how bad could these people really be? They would explain later. Surely it would all make sense. You would all laugh about this together one day, seasoned coworkers...colleagues! And if one of your coworkers asked you to swing by and pick up her child at "her exorcist's house" on your way home, you would comply, right? I mean she would reassure you that "The child is only there for some slight fine-tuning. She's mostly cleared of demons already. Don't worry." Don't make waves. Job security is hard to come by. And if a member of middle management whom you suspected of having Alzheimer's asked you to go up and shovel snow off the roof of the building on your first day on the job, you would do it. Even if that building happens to be a Second Empire structure with virtually no level surface on any of its weirdly shaped gables. You're the new guy. That's what you're here for. You will no doubt keep telling yourself. As you balance far above the earth. And they double-heat their Danishes in the office microwave.

Things that Happened in My Pussy

Once, I had been grieving. After a breakup with a monster. I hadn't wanted to break up with the monster. I had clung to the monster with monstrous ferociousness. But it was all for naught. The monster wasn't having it. And after many dark nights of the soul, I was awakened one morning by a rustling. It was a rustling in my pussy. Suddenly the doors of my pussy flew open and an outpouring of white doves filled my bedroom. That same bedroom where I had previously made love with the monster. It was total early MTV overkill of vision. Like a Prince video. And then I felt pure once more. My love counter had magically reset. I never even had to open a window to let the white doves out. They just dissolved in the air. Like breath mints or something. I walked around for days with this strange elation. It had been just what was needed to erase my monster lust. I never again had my period in the form of white doves. Years later, someone pointed out that this was similar to what had happened to Joan of Arc, except it was her mouth. Well, I don't want to linger too long on that comparison. I heard she was probably schizophrenic or something. And French. And I don't have either of those problems.

How Does Lee Know?

How does Lee know which books are the perfect ones for me when he goes to the library. He's not a big reader overall. But he's canny.

He brought me home David Sedaris's Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk.

It's a book of smart-ass fables! I had no clue he had written any fables!

I've enjoyed previous books by him (especially Me Talk Pretty One Day).

And I love modern fables.

He stays with animals but they are definitely tales for adults as much as they are for children--perhaps more so.

And Ian Falconer (yeah, the Olivia guy!) contributes some decidedly dark illustrations.

I've only read a few so far, but the style is addictive and I find myself craving more.

These remind me of Oscar Wilde's take on fairy tales and fables.

There's a real unembarrassed prettiness to the language.

I'm sure he had a ball writing these.

And reading them.

As much as I love Amy Sedaris, David is now actually starting to pull equal with her in my esteem.

But I bet he can't get David Letterman hot and bothered.

Try that one, David!

(Would be funny and creepy if he went on Letterman "as Amy.")

I like to imagine Letterman's sexual confusion.

In his one book (I forget which one) David stops to shop briefly at the TOYS R US a few blocks from my house.

He was buying a Barbie for a young relative.

I wonder if he noticed the TOYS R US is right across the street from Dauphin County Prison.

It's like two hundred feet from front door to front door.

Anne Geddes Stalked by Vengeful Cat

IF I EVER FIND  ANNE GEDDES....

Pleasure Principle #5

Pleasure is lubricated best by accident.

Pleasure Principle #4

Pleasure should be irritating.

Irritating and lead to a release.

Followed by more irritation.



If your pleasure does not fit this pattern, your pleasure is not actually pleasure.



Sorry, it's not.

Why Does it Bother Me?

I tried to find a picture of a lime in lime light. And I couldn't find a single photograph of this. I felt like asking Google for a divorce. All I wanted was to see a lime in a perfectly matching lime light, a lime camouflaged in lime light. I can't help but feel there is something wrong with the human brain. I mean that such an image does not exist in a readily consumable state. I think this is why I divorced the human race a few years ago. Because your obsessions are not my obsessions. Kindly make your obsessions my obsessions. It's not that much to ask. And then we will be jake. We can make this marriage work. If you bend your intransigent will to my much more intransigent insanity. Then something in my brain says, "If you think life is an Easter Egg hunt, just wait for Death." Death is like a shopping list blowing across a parking lot. I can never resist the urge to pick it up and read it. Even with the germs. I am impressed if the author used "secret code" on his or her shopping list. Like they knew it could fall into the hands of the enemy. They might guess. That strange thing you do with that commodity. I suspect these are my people. These paranoid poetic shoppers. But in truth I know they are sparrows. Sparrows pushing shopping carts with their wings. They probably have imagined the lime in the lime light too. They probably have grieved as I have grieved. But there is the ghost of a shopping cart between us. And that shopping cart might as well be an Ostrogoth. A Visigoth. I feel the warmth of your hands on the funny handlebar with the sales pitch. Under that seductive lucite.

Limelight Poem

A panda lolls in limelight.
A killer takes the limelight.
Einstein noted that limelight
is not your ordinary "c."

You musntn't mention
The Great Lime Limelight
in the middle of a lime room
or it will kill you.

The Great Limelight Bear!

If the limelight falls on you,
don't try to share it
because its reflection kills:
limelight collateral damage.

Tragic limelight friendly fire.

Wearing lime clothes
will not fool the limelight.
The limelight selects its Own Society
Then Shuts the Lime Door.

A lime in limelight
is perfectly camouflaged.

But a limon is spotted immediately,
sussed at once and killed.

i found

I found the strangest                                  job on Monster.com....

GRAMMA WANTS

GRAMMA  WANTS AN ORGY!!!

I Tole Yaz

I TOLE YAZ STAYZ OUTTA MA STYRAFOME PEENUTS, DINT I?

Bigfoot Spersonation

Kitteh  Bigfoot Impersonation wow ur doin' it rite!

The Dusky Jewel of the Susquehanna

I wake up at 1:46 p.m.
Why is life a staring contest?
The cat looks away first,
but I'm sure he threw the game.

Have you met my lover?
He is a gentleman farmer.
He loves raw earth. He's
generous with his livestock.

My mother calls me
in the middle of the night
to talk death strategy.
We sing. Google. Sing.

Yesterday I got good news
so I sang alone at night
in the snowy forest
behind the liquor store.

You are eighty-seven.
I am forty-five.
I worked damn hard to find
snow up to my thigh.

I had lovers and bills.
Then more bills and birdseed.
Would you like some birdseed?
We could pretend it's granola.

I collect eerie flickers.
I have a "thing" about Mary Shelley.
People give me the leeway of The Doomed.
I play "hard to get" with the dead.

Sometimes I think very long
about things nobody does anymore.
Like Bavarian Gentians
while I'm behind a shopping cart.

I try to choose medieval lovers,
men I have seen in paintings before.
This strategy has mostly paid off.
Unicorns don't know what to do

with their rareness, so often
I let them give it to me.
I am haunted by the thought
of Mary's dying mother's swollen breasts

licked by puppies. Funny medicine.
Funny medicine men are everywhere.
I tried to relieve an overfullness.
I belonged to the funny tribe of The Overfull.
There's a point where irony's self-sabotaging. Dude. You're so there.

Friday, January 28, 2011

let me see your face


let me see your face
Originally uploaded by Pether-M

bokeh


IMG_1841
Originally uploaded by William Keckler
probably the most bokeh photo i got tonight.

Serial Killer Test

I have come up with this Serial Killer Test, which I think can be of help in identifying current and future serial killers.

I can't explain the complicated scoring system right here, but I will say it requires a Biorhythm machine I found in a diner in 1976, several augurs of the old (ancient Roman) type and many, many bird entrails.

But if the results are tabulated correctly, I'm fairly sure it can be a reliable tool in the arsenal of criminal profilers. ;-)


SERIAL KILLER TEST

Please choose only ONE answer for each question. Please do not murder the person administering the test, or any fellow test takers. THANK YOU!

Oh, and use a No. 2 pencil.


1. PROSTITUTES ENJOY BEING MURDERED DURING SEX. YES NO SOMETIMES

2. SEVERED HEADS SHOULD ALWAYS BE DISPLAYED WITH THEIR EYES OPEN. YES NO SOMETIMES

3. MY MOTHER WAS A WHORE, A SAINT OR BOTH. YES NO SOMETIMES

4. I CONSOLE MYSELF WITH THE THOUGHT THAT IF I ONLY KILL TWO PEOPLE, I WILL NOT TRULY BE A "SERIAL KILLER." YES NO SOMETIMES

5. FELLOW TEST TAKERS ARE READING MY MIND RIGHT NOW AND THIS MAKES ME VERY ANGRY.
YES NO SOMETIMES

6. I FIND MYSELF DRAWN TO VERY LARGE, VERY DEEP REFRIGERATORS WHEN I AM SHOPPING AT SEARS AND BEGIN TO MENTALLY PACK THESE WITH HUMAN BODY PARTS. YES NO SOMETIMES

7. I CONSIDER HITCHHIKERS "SERIAL KILLER FAST FOOD." YES NO SOMETIMES

8. THE ONLY TELEVISION I CAN TOLERATE IS SLASHER FILMS AND PORN. YES NO SOMETIMES

9. WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I ASKED FOR A MACHETE FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND MY PARENTS REFUSED. I AM STILL VERY ANGRY AT MY PARENTS FOR DENYING ME THIS, AND I HAVE SINCE BOUGHT MYSELF THAT MACHETE. YES NO

10. I DON'T PAY ANY CHILD SUPPORT (EVEN THOUGH I HAVE CHILDREN) BECAUSE ALL MY EXES HAVE MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED. YES NO SOMETIMES

11. SATAN AND GOD OFTEN HAVE SHOUTING MATCHES IN MY HEAD. YES NO SOMETIMES

12. IF A WOMAN/MAN SAYS "HI" TO ME, I FOLLOW HER/HIM AROUND FOR THE NEXT SEVENTEEN MONTHS. YES NO SOMETIMES

13. I MUCH PREFER STALKING TO DATING. YES NO SOMETIMES

14. I GET ERECTIONS IN SLAUGHTERHOUSES AND IN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT OF GROCERY STORES. YES NO SOMETIMES

15. FAMILY MEMBERS DRAIN MY BLOOD AND STEAL MY VITAL FLUIDS WHILE I AM ASLEEP. YES NO SOMETIMES

16. I KEEP HUMAN PETS IN MY BASEMENT. YES NO SOMETIMES

17. CANNIBALISM IS OKAY IN MODERATION. YES NO SOMETIMES

18. DOGS SOMETIMES TELL ME TO KILL PEOPLE. YES NO SOMETIMES

19. I WOULD RATHER BE A VAMPIRE THAN A DOCTOR. YES NO SOMETIMES

20. I WOULD RATHER HAVE BLOOD THAN MONEY. YES NO SOMETIMES

21. I SOMETIMES OPERATE ON MYSELF WITHOUT ANESTHESIA. YES NO SOMETIMES

22. I ENJOY VIVISECTING MICE. YES NO SOMETIMES

23. HALLOWEEN IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, BECAUSE THEN I CAN MOVE AMONG THE MASSES IN MY FAVORITE COSTUME AND CARRY AXES AND OTHER OBJECTS WITHOUT BEING QUESTIONED BY NOSY POLICE. YES NO SOMETIMES

24. I HAVE BODY PARTS OF PREVIOUS ROMANTIC PARTNERS IN MY DWELLING. YES NO SOMETIMES

25. I SOMETIMES PASS OUT AND WAKE UP DRENCHED IN BLOOD WITH NO CLUE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. YES NO SOMETIMES

26. I HAVE MADE FASHION APPAREL FROM HUMAN SKIN. YES NO SOMETIMES

27. I ENJOY HUNTING FOR FUTURE VICTIMS ON MYSPACE AND FACEBOOK. YES NO SOMETIMES

28. I LIVE IN THE BASEMENT OR ATTIC OF MY MOTHER'S HOUSE SINCE CHILDHOOD THOUGH I AM NOW NEARING RETIREMENT AGE. YES NO SOMETIMES

29. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE IMAGINARY AND ENJOY MURDER AS MUCH AS I DO. YES NO SOMETIMES

30. I AM JEALOUS OF MORE PROLIFIC SERIAL KILLERS' BODY COUNTS. YES NO SOMETIMES

31. I SHOP AT IKEA FOR NIFTY STORAGE SOLUTIONS FOR MY KILL TROPHIES. YES NO SOMETIMES

32. TAXIDERMY GIVES ME ERECTIONS. YES NO SOMETIMES

33. I AM BUMMED OUT THAT GIRL SCOUTS CAN NO LONGER GO ALONE DOOR TO DOOR SELLING COOKIES. YES NO SOMETIMES

34. I HAVE ASKED HOME DEPOT EMPLOYEES, "WHICH MATERIAL OFFERS THE BEST INSULATION FOR SCREAMS?" YES NO SOMETIMES

35. I MASTURBATE TO MOVIES LIKE SAW AND HOSTEL. YES NO SOMETIMES

36. PEOPLE USUALLY WAIT FOR THE NEXT ELEVATOR WHEN THEY SEE ONLY ME IN IT. YES NO SOMETIMES

37. I HAVE A SLIDING PANEL VAN WITH COVERED UP WINDOWS. YES NO SOMETIMES

38. I GO THROUGH TONS OF DUCT TAPE. YES NO SOMETIMES

39. I BELIEVE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TO MANY CEMENT BAGS ON HAND AT THE HOUSE. YES NO SOMETIMES

40. APART FROM NECROPHILIAC ACTS, I AM A VIRGIN. YES NO SOMETIMES

41. MY FAVORITE PLACE FOR A FIRST DATE IS "DEEP IN THE WOODS." YES NO SOMETIMES

42. MY FAVORITE PLACE FOR A SECOND DATE IS "CHAINED IN MY BASEMENT." YES NO SOMETIMES

43. I FIND THE WORD "MASSACRE" EROTIC, AND IT GIVES ME WOODAGE. YES NO SOMETIMES

44. I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT CODIS. YES NO SOMETIMES

45. I HAVE DUG UP HOT CHICKS IN CEMETERIES FOR DATES. YES NO SOMETIMES

46. CADAVER DOGS OFTEN FOLLOW ME AROUND. YES NO SOMETIMES

47. I GET SENTIMENTAL OVER ANNIVERSARIES (OF MY KILLS). YES NO SOMETIMES

48. I AM HIGHLY ACTIVE IN THE CHURCH (OF SATAN). YES NO SOMETIMES

49. MY BACKYARD GARDEN IS VERY BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF THE SPECIAL HUMAN FERTILIZER I USE. YES NO SOMETIMES

50. I HAVE FABULOUS CLEANING SKILLS. YES NO SOMETIMES

Getting My LOL On...


Your Atari 2600  or mine?

Looptroop Rockers

Some other rappers freaking out at Sweden's neo-Nazis.



Looptroop Rockers is a hip hop group from Västerås, Sweden. The members are rappers Promoe (Mårten Edh), Supreme (Mathias Lundh-Isen), DJ/Producer Embee (Magnus Bergkvist) and CosM.I.C (Tommy Isacsson). In February 2007 CosM.I.C, who had been a member of the group since the beginning in 1993, decided to focus on designing and maintaining looptrooprockers.com and not to be an active member of the group. He however rejoined the group in 2010 as Promoe announced at a concert in Helsinki on May 19, it was officially announced on their website on May 21. On their latest CD the group changed its name from Looptroop to Looptroop Rockers, a name they've used unofficially for some years prior to the change. (Wiki)

Hurrah for William Castle (and Joan Crawford in Straightjacket)

SPOILER ALERT: Don't watch the first clip if you plan on ever watching this movie (yeah, like you will and like it will matter).

God, isn't this great bad acting.

I love how the women sound like Christmas trees when they walk, because of all the cheap jewelry.

Joan clearly needed a "fight coach" as this is the lamest deflection of an axe murderess I've ever seen.

People in the comment stream were saying she was married to the head of Pepsi at this time (Steel was it?) and that she was always doing PEPSI product placement in all her movies....putting a carton on a kitchen counter where there were no other food products, for example. Hell, she probably invented product placement. Wouldn't surprise me. Lucille LaSueur loved lettuce more than rabbits do.



Transgender performance artists...the following clip would be perfect to reproduce in 2011...this screen and makeup test...love it...

Nabila: This Was a Very Good Documentary



As you know, YouTube has the 10 minute per clip rule.

But you can see this whole documentary online by going here.

Here's the precis...

April 2005
Nabila is a Muslim woman and popular political rapper. In a Swedish white, male dominated society, she's determined to make her voice heard. But Nazi threats and cultural stereotypes stand in her way. Juggling family demands with her burgeoning career and university degree, she straddles a delicate line between two cultures. With both energy and charm, this classic documentary portrays a young woman coming-of-age.


I had no idea there was a skinhead movement in Sweden. I tend to think of the Scandinavian countries as more enlightened or something.

But just the other day I watched a documentary about the influence of death metal on teens and in Norway (of all places!)it wasn't the fans but the band who went on a rampage of anti-Christian hate, actually burning down forty churches. Then one band member killed another band member. And then their fans took up where they left off and burned a bunch more churches.

Satanism is often invoked as the cause of the murders that occur among fans of death metal, and sometimes the murder is described by the killer(s) as a Satanic sacrifice.

But when they get interviewed in prison later, they downplay the Satan and emphasize their drug use, anomie, etc. Because of course they're hoping for parole at that point.

The Free Speech argument applies so of course the "artists" hide behind that even as many of them know how irresponsible they're being and just don't give a shit. They said as much during the interviews. They are all in favor of the "Parental Advisory" stickers, by the way, because they say that record sales skyrocket because of them. This makes perfect sense.

There were a number of scary scenes in Nabila involving skinheads showing up and turning violent at opposition (peace/tolerance) rallies.

Nabila shows a great deal of bravery in performing at one of these events where both the skinheads and the police seem extremely hostile to the peaceniks; the documentary doesn't sugarcoat the reality that the woman is (rightly) afraid for her very life while she's doing this.

This brings to mind Fassbinder's plays written around these themes. He was showing how just one generation after the demise of National Socialism, thuggery was alive and well in the streets of Berlin and every other major city in Germany. I was aware of that (ongoing) "German problem." And I knew it happened in France often with their formerly Algerian citizens. But I didn't know the same lack of tolerance and refusal to accept extended into Scandinavia. I don't know why I'm surprised really. I know I shouldn't be. But I am.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Landscape: "My Name is Norman Bates"

Things that Happened in My Pussy

My pussy has been called many things, but the funniest thing my pussy was ever called was unjust. What does my pussy care for justice? I mean, seriously. That guy was an idiot and a half. If you wish to argue pussy jurisprudence with me, you will be laughed out of the courtroom. You will be disbarred from my pussy.

Things that Happened in My Pussy

Once, I had a lover with whom I was cheating who was cheating on me. He was cheating on me with his ex. So I cut out her face from a photograph and put it in my pussy right before he got to my apartment. I knew he loved started with cunnilingus, so I waited. He followed his predictable routine, and when he tongued out something alien, he began to freak out! What the fuck!? he screamed as he removed the picture of his ex from his tongue and focused his eyes enough to realize who it was. "I know." That's all I said, and then I pulled the drapery shut round my pussy as though I were a vestal virgin shrouding a sculpture of Our Lady of the Flame. And I got up and walked to my closet and began getting dressed to go out, while he kept trying to start a conversation I had finished several years ago. And then my pussy went shopping.

Things that Happened in My Pussy

Once, I had a cricket inside my pussy. It woke me up. It had been a quiet autumn. The poor thing was only seeking shelter, I suppose. And the house was cold. I was alone. And it was the middle of the night. So I called you. And you were pissed! You said I had probably put the cricket inside my pussy for attention. That really pissed me off. I had genuinely been asleep when the cricket made its ingress. I hadn't even heard a cricket in the house! Even my cat had failed to sound the alarm. Then you played humiliation games. I had to put the phone down to my pussy because you wanted to hear the cricket cricketing.And then of course the cricket stopped making any noise as soon as I held the phone down there. "Uh huh," you snarked. I screamed at the cricket to do what it had been doing nonstop just a few moments before. But nothing. Then you called me a liar and I got REALLY mad. You said there was no cricket. You accused me of having a "Munchhausen's cricket" in my pussy. You reminded me of an incident you still call my "hysterical pregnancy." Although I seem to remember you as being the one who was hysterical at the time. So then I hung up on you and waited for you to call back immediately. Which you didn't do. And then the cricket started up again. The cat was sitting staring at the opening between my legs at this point. Stalking my vaginal cricket. At least someone was getting pleasure out of this. It looked like a Japanese woodcut when I saw the image in the mirror across the room. It was then I remembered from Girl Scouts that I could tell the temperature inside my pussy by counting the number of chirps per minute. I tried to remember the formula as I counted. If I had remembered the formula correctly, my pussy would be "August." This made me a little bit happier as I drifted back to sleep. Because I had figured my pussy as September at best.

Pleasure Principle #3

OM NOM NOM!!!

Pleasure Principle #2

If you want to do something you suspect is really pleasurable, but which is really kinky, outrageous, unacceptable, censurable and possibly dangerous, DO IT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.

(There are many of us down here who are willing to help you out with this.)

Pleasure Principle #1

Seek pleasure, but pretend to fall into it.

Mary Shelley Was Being Self-Deprecating

earlier this evening. I wish she would stop that.

But I do so love hearing her speak about herself.

After all the others had gone under the wave.

She must have smiled to herself a lot.

And I like it when she would talk about God or the Creator or Heaven.

It would have pissed Shelley and her mother and father off no end.

"WE WORKED DAMN HARD FOR THIS ATHEISM THING, GIRL!"

"Well, you're all dead and I have bills to pay. So Fuck All Yall progressive and dead people!"

Or "I prefer crumpets to insurrection."

I'm Embarrassed to Admit

I found the Landscape c.d. From the Tearooms of Mars, to the Hellholes of Uranus... and RACED to add it to my MediaPlayer.

I haven't seen (or heard this since the move!)

1979. Early, early nouvelle vague.

Often awful and very dated.

But I loves it.

Especially "Norman Bates."
RAAAAAWWWWRRRRR!                  BEWARE MY       <-CRICKET CHEST!!

Sequels

Chivalry is Not Dead

The Movie CUBE

ZOMG!!  I'M IN DA CUBE!!!