Not-So-Subliminal Sexual Advertising: Long John Silver's New Ad

I was vacuuming my bedroom last night and being a holy terror to Malkin, who was convinced the End of Days had come in the form of a vacuum cleaner (after he had somehow miraculously survived the other false Apocalypses).

And this commercial came on the television.

And I nearly shat myself with laughter.

This is not-so-subliminal subliminal advertising.

I swear to god I hear "THICK CUT COCK!" every time this ad plays. And it's played several times now.

"Thicker is better!"

(So there's also a sop thrown out to choads, those anomalous penises which are wider than they are long?!)

For any angels or lambikins reading this who might not know, "cut" is gay vernacular for "circumcised." And it's among the five or ten target-marketing words two guys who are gonna hook up online are gonna exchange.

Because they think it sounds so damn sexy.

It sounds stupid, really.

Since like 99% of male genitalia (in this country) are cut, why bother even saying anything unless you're the exception, "uncut?"

Actually, it's a good way to tell if you're dealing with a bi or stealth gay male posing as straight.

Because most straight guys haven't hung around in gay chats and haven't picked up the lingo.

A guy saying it doesn't necessarily mean he's gay or bi--although in my experience it's about 95% or greater predictive.

I'm talking from PAST experience, not present, I should emphasize.

But as soon as I heard the "cut," I'd say: "So how bi are you...versatile?"

And then I'd get back, "How did you know I was bi?" Or else the dude would just brazenly answer--and the answer was usually "versatile."

Maybe it's skewed like the Kinsey thing was skewed since it's possible people who hook up online in the middle of the night are going to tend to be opportunistically bisexual since they're so sexually voracious. I'm not sure about the science of it.

Or maybe it's just bisexuality is so much more common now. Certainly, there's much less of a stigma. The big divider is still penetration. Or maybe America's getting more like the hypocritically bisexual Latin countries, or Greece, where bisexuality is fine as long as you're using a gay guy as a girl substitute. If you get sucked and top only. I would encounter that attitude sometimes. But sometimes that's an eminence front. True, the ones who said that always proved to have the worst record with sticking to the boundaries they said/set. I began to think it was a "virtuous whore" thing. A heterosexual version of the Southern belle. The guy who just knew he wanted to get fucked and was going to get fucked on the first date, hoop-skirt of heterosexuality or not, but wanted to have the memory of stating up front it was decidedly not his desire. He couldn't help it that later he jumped up into the position a pointer assumes at Eukanuba and expostulated, "Do it!"

As I said, I'm not sure about the science. Maybe because I lived among the pervs, I'm only speaking for the pervs.

I just know that's how things are practically. I mean in queer praxis.

So I CANNOT NOT hear this advertising campaign without thinking of online hookups and gay sex.

Maybe it appeals to slutty women and not just slutty gay men too.

Maybe they use those terms, although I find it exceedingly unlikely.

Guys like to say "cut cock." I'm guessing women realize how stupid that sounds.

I think it's doubly funny that it's an ad for Long John Silver's, because that makes me think of Long Dong Silver.

I think I last had a meal in LJS in like 1989. And probably once in 1984 before that.

If there is an unhealthier fast food restaurant out there, I'd be hard pressed to think of it.

Although, since I've been away decades, I could be wrong. Maybe everything isn't fried.

I notice the thick cut cock is fried though.

So...who knows.

But this is soooo not accidental.

And I failed to even mention the "BASKET." Not only is it "THICK CUT COCK." It's a "THICK CUT COCK BASKET." So it's double genitalicized. In case you missed it with the first three words.

And, for the record, yes, I consider SUBWAY's "five dollar footlong" ads as subliminal sexual advertising too, but at least they have a sense of humor about it.

They KNOW most people will know they're doing that and giggle.

But they also know there are some severely repressed people who will find themselves craving the sub without knowing way.

And I'm sure that's a tiny minority with that commercial.