Object Porn: A Celery Stick

A celery stick was deep into a pile of cream cheese. The celery stick was verbigerating a few syllables over and over, because the pleasure of fucking was so intense. The celery stick couldn't know what these syllables were because it was so deeply inside the syllables. The celery stick wondered why it didn't have a face. The celery stick continued to fuck. It thought the first thing it would do with a face if it got one was plunge it into the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of January and scream. Scream underwater. And after scream above water. Then the celery stick wondered about performativity.* The cream cheese occasionally burbled, which the celery stick took to mean that the ecstasy was shared. Eventually, the celery stick began to worry that this might be a unilateral fuck, and asked "How ya doin?" mid-plunge. It hoped this didn't sound like insecurity because really what can kill an orgasm faster than insecurity=mental coitus interruptus. The cream cheese said something noncomittal, a quiet little "uh" that sounded vaguely interrogative. The celery stick continued pounding away, but began agonizing in its mind over the vast semantic gulf between "eh" and "uh."





* performative(pər-fôr'mə-tĭv) pronunciation. adj.

Relating to or being an utterance that peforms an act or creates a state of affairs by the fact of its being uttered under appropriate or conventional circumstances, as a justice of the peace uttering I now pronounce you husband and wife at a wedding ceremony, thus creating a legal union, or as one uttering I promise, thus performing the act of promising.

n.
A performative utterance.