Trollitunity

We live in a universe of trolls.

There is no single being here that is not at least part-troll part-time and probably we should admit up front the vast majority are all-troll all of the time.

Humans are trolls, bald eagles are trolls, snakes are trolls, snails and slugs are trolls, and the earthworms which slugs feed upon are known to hideously troll even themselves in a form of disgusting reproduction.

Trolls in Air, Earth, Water, Fire.

Trolls at the Apex. Trolls at the nadir.

Bloggers are trolls with blogs.

Cats are trolls with fur.

The famous are trolls and the unfamous are trolls.

For some weird reason, some of the infamous seem less like trolls.

Kurt Cobain. Antonin Artaud talking in that Beavis and Butthead voice. Marie Antoinette. Not to imply you have to suffer terribly and be fucked up. Kato Kaelin. Prince. Bambi (the deer or the escaped convict with the tits). Those women who lived in Grey Gardens. Those women look less like trolls every year.

But women qua women have no special troll exemption. There is no fairer troll sex. Breasts do not a troll-less soul make.

Beautiful young women who are virtuous and kind are trolls and ugly bent whores on Craigslist after midnight are trolls.

You believe some men or women or other animals are angelic exceptions.

It matters only that you catch a glimpse of these creatures at the appropriate ripe moment, the orgasmic moment of ultimate troll opportunity, or what is known as trollitunity. Look then and you will see the true inner troll suddenly working the mechanisms like someone hidden in the control chamber of a colossus's head in some funny apocalyptic cartoon.

Children used to have the market on being trolls cornered, but today adults far outstrip the vast majority of children in troll skillsets. Children are experiencing a strong downturn in trolling, a trolling recession even. It's a bearish market for child trolls. It's like Japan's economy in the eighties. Nothing that good lasts forever.

I know these things because I am both troll and trollologist.

It's generally stated, if rarely believed, that it's better to live in a troll community, or trollunity, than be a solitary troll.

But when trolls join in trollunity, they instantly become more troll-righteous. Troll dancing and singing becomes obnoxiously louder. Trolls may become famous through the drumbeat of the troll dance. A few trolls may slip under the barbed troll-wire of the more stylish magazines. It's nothing to get upset over. Trolls are simply replacing trolls. But with troll fame comes troll self-regard. Troll amour-propre. Troll puffery.

In short order, trolls will try to hide their trollness under a spiritual truckle-bed.

Trolls will soon insist upon a troll transcendence. They come to believe they represent something other than their troll selves.

Trollscendence.

Think Kanye West trollcasting all of western civilization, Taylor Swift and the third world at the same time.

Cultural essence is now troll essence.

It is like Hobbe's Leviathan. Or rather Trolliathan.

What we are seeing in these instances are usually just more self-disciplined trolls.

Self-disciplined trolls are responsible for much more of the world's misery than lazy trolls. Lazy trolls are actually humanity's best friend.

Supermen are Supertrolls. They stand on the necks, asses and genitalia of other trolls while doing the troll dance.

Socrates was such a troll.

The usual translation of the charge laid against him is that he was a gadfly irking Athenian society.

Hell nawl. Socrates was a blowed-out troll.

When the Greek knob said pseudo-nobly, "The unexamined life is not worth living," and chose to drink that hemlock rather than renounce his trolling, he was just proudly stepping into his place as First Philosophical Troll.

Socrates was trolling Athenian ass as much as universal truth.

He might just as well have said, "The untrolled life is not worth living."

"Give me trolling or give me Death."

So the cries of trolls caught out echo down history.

Trolls hate to be caught. They would rather run out into the sunlight which is fatal to them and explode.

Trolls are living spam. They propagate by the infinite and ceaseless and omnidirectional and infinitely regressive and omnidirectionally ceaseless and ceaselessly annoying-as-fuck regurgitation of the spam of themselves.

What passes for friendship today is mostly trollship.

Trollship has replaced friendship the way that memes have replaced identity.

No savvy troll any longer aspires to have an identity. An identity is for people like Oprah. One aspires to be a meme. Trolls aspire to be post-Oprah.

Identity is as hated and ridiculed as idealism.

Identity is mostly hated because of its pitiable velocity. An identity is slow to develop, hard to build and has a terrible drag coefficient.

And there's so much goddamn explaining to do. Trolls would sooner cut off a pinkie. It would grow back anyway. Duh. They're trolls.

A palette of diverse personas is much faster, involves far less suffering, thought and consistency, and is way more likely to go viral. Get with the Troll Program.

Sometimes trolls who are starting to become successful trolls pretend to be idealists, but this is usually a parody of having ideals. Do as I say, not as I troll.

Most people have even come to prefer trollship to friendship today, and this is because trolls want to be fed a steady diet of spam the way hipsters want to be fed algae, kombucha and a steady stream of people pretending to be dumber than they actually are.

Trolls are embarrassed by their education. Why should this be? Because a smart troll is a smart ass and a dumb troll is a smarter ass. It's just the troll ethos. The way the troll game is played.

I mentioned hipsters and, of course, hipsters are trolls.

Hipsters are the new dumb blonde mutation of the troll.

The dumb blonde was never dumb. She was blonde like a fox.

Hipsters are neither shameful nor lovely. They must be funny to survive. They are mostly educated, privileged and embarrassed trolls. But they solve their neuroticism with the cocaine of internet fame. Hipster trolldom is like the Cosby show. Only a little bit smarter. Hipsters often make the Cosby face in words. That grandma "Oh" face. Hipster trolls love whimsy.

But because hipsters are convinced they are in on the dumb blonde troll joke, they feel in control the way a hooker tells herself she's in control while giving a blowjob.

The superintelligent dumb blonde troll routine is now a meme. It's a trollitunity. It's a career. Soon, there will be an app released to walk you through it. Maybe it's already out. Troll me and tell me where it's for sale.

I troll trolls.

But else would you expect? I told you I am a troll and a trollologist.

Hipster trolls feed off rapper trolls with street cred. If only rapper trolls would acknowledge hipster trolls, their lives would be complete. They could finally prove to you their dumb blonde routine was really because they were black all along. They are black trolls. Harlem trolls in Williamsburg. Shot full of the bullets of real life. "Ima just get another tat to cover the bullet holes," they think while lying in some expensive bed atop a quilt that looks like Tumblr.

Hipster trolls will sometimes get suicidal when they suddenly realize they are reading a Jane Bowles novel and loving it to death while listening to Lil Wayne but no longer really hearing him.

That is real troll pain.

Did I fail to mention that trolls nest within other trolls?

This is one of the ways they reproduce.

In fact, there are actually trolls inside trolls inside trolls, a sort of infinite troll regress.

Trollception.