Monday, April 30, 2012

Let's Learn the Alphabet with Tao Lin

Here are the top pre-loaded Tao Lin searches on American Google as of 3:11 A.M. E.S.T. 4/30/2012.

This could function as a sort of Tao Lin CliffsNotes for somebody who wants to fake proficiency on Tao Lin. Or it could be used as a syllabus or primer for those wanting to genuinely research the buzz nodes or nodal buzz of Tao Lin.

I like to imagine the CliffsNotes for Tao Lin's novels as being written by himself and consisting entirely of photographs of various food the fortysomething (probably when the Notes will be released) Lin will be eating while "writing" these "notes." These cell phone photos of concrete objects which happen to be food, will mostly show various benthic edibles (cultivated in Japan by Grower of Depressing Foods Enterprises Diversified--aka GOD-FED, C.E.O. Tao Lin of course). The phone taking these pics of benthic food genetically altered to grow in light-controlled warehouses will actually be implanted in Tao Lin's forehead at that stage in his career, hardwired into his brain to save time and make him more efficient. So his every thought will be a text to multiple websites, rendering his brand more accessible while still somehow maintaining a soupcon of intimacy in the form of randomly generated thought-drawings of hamsters and other winsome creatures as neon-outline doodles included in all "personalized" communication. Thanks to mathematical algorithms created by Lin admirers at M.I.T., no two hamster drawings will ever be the same. Hence, the intimacy.

Even though people will secretly guess that the personalized hamster drawings are based on a mathematical algorithm developed by Lin friends at "probably M.I.T.," they will cherish their neon outline hamster doodles and sometimes take pictures of themselves with them and then post these pics on Tumblr in the middle of the night, hoping that Tao Lin will see them waifishly holding their neon outline hamster doodles and possibly even daring to hope that a personal recognition of this affiliation of the heart will appear in their posting's "Notes" in the form of a like or even a sanctifying reblogging by Lin of the aforementioned waif photo, using one of his 833 Tumblrs in existence at that date. And this too will sometimes happen, thrilling people. Because there will be another algorithm for "surprise random communication" with strangers estimated to be likely candidates to make at least 12.8 Tao Lin references online in a fourteen month period. But nobody will know these figures, so the algorithmic intimacy will seem warm and "familiar" on the rare occasions it occurs.

Too bad Lin's retired the t-shirt promos (or has he?)  since a number of these individual single letter Google prompts would look nice as black text on white tees.

But then Google would probably sue anyone who did that for using their site design in a marketable product. You'd have to hand draw the lines or something.


  1. Paul Dinello's ManservantApril 30, 2012 at 6:44 AM


  2. Google's just weird with the searches thing. I guess it's all just statistics. A good way to gauge whether you're famous is if you're name comes up with "gay" after it--the author is not. But if you check any celebrity, "gay" is usually there in the search. I mean if you typed "Clint Eastwood" and the letter "g" I'm sure "gay will come up. There are other "reflex searches" people do.

  3. Okay, I checked. It actually comes up as Clint Eastwood gay marriage (he supports--yay Clint). But if you type "Clint Eastwood is..." you'll get the gay search. I guess some younger Googler are using gay in the generic sense. The South Park sense.