"Did I see you swarming?"
Peter, Dear Friend, thank you. I was going to email you to say this, but since you made it possible to say it here, I will: your words to me the other day about taking control of myself were wisdom. I am going through right now and deleting a huge number of posts. They were only written out of such raw pain and I feel terrible for violating my partner's privacy (I was out of my senses with grief at missing him) by putting his name there. I'm deleting most posts, but anything I feel I want to keep I'm changing his name to just "Husband." It's truly terrible to be bipolar. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I don't have any enemies--well, none reciprocally anyway. Maybe they hate me but I don't hate them! I think the St. John's Wort is helping with the depression although I did read the caveats about bipolar people like myself using it--the risk of hypomania. So I'm trying to be guarded. I'm trying to constantly edit what I'm writing here but it's hard because I'm so newly sober (in all senses of my addictions) that I'm like a baby right now. And I sounded like a baby in almost all those posts. I'm still going through deleting things. I am grateful for your friendship, Sir. It's sleeting here and I'm already worrying about his drive to work tonight lol. But I stopped bugging him with direct communication. If he reads my blog, he reads my blog. That's different. But I will be much more respectful of his privacy as I was so blinded by pain I couldn't even see I was doing that. I was just saying his name like a mantra over and over, as if I could invoke his spirit by doing that. I like what your poem said about the mystery religions the other day. I was reading analysis of the Cupid and Psyche myth today because I identify with Psyche (lol). I had only read it in one or two versions before--like Bullfinch's or that other one--Edith Hamilton? But I hadn't known the fuller version as a sort of Divine Comedy. It's so beautiful. And then I'm remembering the wonderful Cupid & Psyche album from the eighties (Scritti Politti!) Green's voice on that is like Cupid and Psyche at once--such an androgynous singer! I hope you are having a great day. I need to consult your poetry more--I think I'm getting well enough to try to engage more now and I always love your poems which seem like oracles privately spoken to me--though I know that's just what every truly gifted poet makes us believe! Your constant Source is always a joy for me to behold. But then you've been so loyal to poetry everyday that it's no wonder it's loyal back. A marriage of true minds...Sonnet 116 again!